loarfy:

fiztheancient:

my life me

every moment of every day

My dysphoria got so much worse after my rape, I can’t even express it. It signaled complete alienation from my body. I’m afraid I’m channeling most of the hate I have for my rapist at my body instead, because at least it is here and present for me to punish. Don’t worry, I’m safe from self-harm, for now… it’s mental, revulsion at the wrongness of my body. Genital dysphoria is this constant weight of sadness on my chest: fear that I will never feel genuine to myself, combined with longing for T to see what my body is capable of. If it’s capable of being me. I guess that’s part of why I’m so scared - as I am now, I can’t be happy, but I can probably pretend to be something that a lot of people are attracted to. As I would be on T,  I don’t know if that would be enough to feel like I’ve come home to myself. I don’t know if I would be stuck in some kind of lonely tried-and-failed state, sick from wanting, undesirable and unloved. A failed experiment. That’s my worst fear. I don’t think I can stand to consider the prospect of a life alone.

I am in gender therapy to work through this - I want to start T without any doubts holding me back, I want it to be a joyful healing process. But for the life of me, I don’t know how to get there from here.